Why is it so confusing to tell someone you love them? And what if you've been doing it all wrong?

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Your "love tank" might be running on empty

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You know what's the most confusing word in the English language? Love. It's everywhere. We sing about it, we watch movies about it, and we all agree it’s super important. Philosophers, poets, and your grandma all have something to say about it. And psychologists? They say needing to feel loved is a basic human requirement. It’s what makes us climb mountains and cross deserts. Without it, well, those mountains look pretty darn high.

Here’s where it gets weird. We throw the word "love" around like it’s a rubber ball. One minute you’re saying, “I love pizza,” and the next, “I love my mom.” You love your dog, your car, the way the rain smells after a hot day. You love your partner, your best friend, and maybe even the idea of love itself. It’s a word with a thousand different meanings, and it's no wonder we're all a little lost.

To make things even more complicated, we use love to justify our actions, good or bad. A politician cheats on his wife and calls it love, while a preacher calls it a sin. A wife stays with her alcoholic husband, calling it love, but a psychologist might see it as codependency. A parent gives their child everything they want and says it’s love, but a therapist calls it irresponsible parenting. So, what is loving behavior, really? What if the way we're trying to love someone isn't the way they need to receive it? What if we're speaking two different languages of love and don't even know it?

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A child psychologist once used a brilliant metaphor to explain a fundamental idea: every child has an "emotional love tank." When it’s full, they thrive. When it’s empty, they act out. Think about it. So much of a child's misbehavior isn't because they're bad; it’s because they’re desperately trying to fill that empty tank. They’re looking for love in all the wrong places, doing all the wrong things.

But this isn't just a kid thing. We adults have love tanks, too. Remember that dizzy, euphoric feeling of "falling in love"? That's just a temporary fix. It’s a high that doesn't last, and when it wears off, that fundamental need for love resurfaces. We need to feel loved by our partners, and if we don’t, nothing else matters. You can have a big house, a nice car, and a fancy job, but if your partner doesn’t love you in the way you need, none of it is enough. We all have that part of us that cries out to be loved, to be truly seen and cherished.

This need to feel intimate and loved by another is at the heart of human existence. It's why solitary confinement is considered such a brutal punishment. Marriage, in its ideal form, is designed to meet this need for deep, meaningful intimacy. But for so many couples, their dreams get crushed by the reality that their love is gone. They say, “We just don't feel close anymore.” Could it be that their emotional love tanks are simply running on empty? Could a full tank be the key to fixing everything? I'm convinced it's as crucial to a healthy relationship as oil is to a car.

CRUX:

The word "love" is often confusing, with many different meanings. The core emotional need to feel loved and cherished is not just for children but for adults as well, and it is crucial for emotional health and successful relationships. We all have an "emotional love tank" that needs to be filled to prevent misbehavior and unhappiness. Learning how to truly fill our partner's love tank is the key to creating a healthy and intimate connection.

Start a conversation today about how you both feel loved.